Sometimes someone something Anywhere

Sleep.

I don't have to go to Dr. A. Today. He wrote me an email to cancel. That puts me into a little tight spot. I don't have an appointment with my new psychiatrist yet so that means I should have gone to my therapist on Thursday, and made an appointment to see my Psychologist as soon as possible..... Naaah.

I'm through with those people. I awake, achy, sore, suffering, as if I was beat up all night, and climb to my feet, stiff and stubbornly. This is light shit compared to the crushing, overwhelming dread, sadness and fear that had enveloped me all of a sudden. Wha? Was the dream just that bad that it carried over to my waking moments? Still, the agonizing sensation followed me to the bathroom for my morning piss, stopped me from beginning to make my cup of coffee. It was incredible. It made me almost want to cry. I shook my head but couldn't shake it. Had some amazing tragedy befallen my family. Am I getting some sort of premonition? Is something terrible happening right now, today even?

I can't take this shit anymore, I take my suffering ass to bed and pass out gratefully in seconds. I sleep like a fucking baby, out cold deeply and when I awake, there is a spring in my step, the room is brighter, the overbearing sense of dread and pain has passed, replaced by a pretty good feeling this morning. Hmmm. I wondered, if I would have stayed up, would that have been my entire day, miserable. This room is too small for that shit. The walls would have surely closed in against me and suffocated me.

But this feeling can't be beat. I take a second morning piss gleefully and this time I make coffee and turn on my computer. A big change from my first morning. I check my email, and the morning mail is coming through at a vengeance. OBSIDIAN is back in town. Thirteen of them are just from him, catching up with all of his e-mails since he's been gone. I get to work answering them and when done I sit back and relax...and fall asleep. I go right in the chair. Out. When I awake, it's Noon. Shit. I open my email again, and there are a few that are going to take me awhile to respond to. I get down to it and when done, bring up the Novel and start editing. I don't stop on that fucking Novel. I'm looking for an agent or a publishing house aggressively when I'm done. I'm going to be reborn trying to find a publisher. This is one of my chances, just like a hand full of tickets. I just have to find which one matches which train.

My computer starts to slow down, so I felt that my configuration is jumbled, it being on all night long without a break. Calling up windows and programs the way I do can weaken a configuration after awhile....is this gobbledegook? Well, my laptop needs a break. So I turn it off. While off, I rest my head on the desk and look up at the laptop on its docking station and my mind swoons.

I wake at three O'clock. Amazed. Did all that pain and suffering this morning have to be assuaged by all this sleep? What the fuck was going on here? I got to bed pretty early last night, didn't I? I don't remember. My brain must be more exhausted than I think that it is. I need to do something about that...like going to sleep at a decent time maybe?

It's a quiet night. It's a slow night. It's a Friday night. Everyone is out doing something come Friday, to finish out the workweek. Everyone except for me. I'm going to keep on working. Keep on plugging away at this Novel. I'm not even half way through with the editing, I have so far to go, but I stay determined to finish this thing. To bring it to a close. I get an email. It's Bryan. He wants to have brunch tomorrow. Sure, why not. Long time no see. He has the most interesting stories to tell. I on the otherhand, just tend to listen. But it's a good diversion from the SHOUT OUT, which shouldn't be much of a bother tomorrow because OBSIDIAN will be there. A lot of the pressure will be off if I don't have to take the entire show on my own.

I'm getting ready to get back to work.

But I can't shake that incredible feeling of melancholy this morning. It was as if the entire universe was crying in pain and I could do nothing but sympathize but my heart was just too small to join it. It was threatening to burst my heart like a balloon overfilled with water or air. This was overfilled with overwhelming misery.

Just the thought of it's sheer behemoth size and leviathan depth is enough to cause me fear. I think I'm going to call my parents. I fear something went terribly wrong somewhere.

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