Whatever You Need, Kiss My Ass

Such a fracking excellent television show. The best I've ever seen. What's that? Battlestar Galactica. Not the 1980's version, the 2009 version.

You know, the one with that smoking hot mother- fucker, Tricia Helfer. Who in the fuck built this woman? No doubt some fracking mad scientist who wanted to upstage every woman on Earth. "This is how it's done, god. Eve wasn't shit." Why do I say this? Well, have you ever seen this woman? She is what wet dreams are made of. Just the thought of fucking her will make you blow a load. Shit, the most Excellent thing about Battlestar Galactica was that she was a Cylon Bitch. She was so bad that there were hundreds, yes hundreds of copies of her in the show, so you were absolutely guaranteed to see her flaming hot ass every episode. What a joy.

Shit, even if I was married I couldn't pass that up. Given the chance, I would fuck her head off on General Principle. Well, that's if I'm not on LUVOX. I would try to break every bone in either her body, or mine. Most likely...it will be mine. So, when I got home, I'd eat dinner that my wife made, with a shit eating grin, take a shower, crawl into bed with my lovely woman of whatever years and pray to god that I would get another chance at Ms. Helfer's lighthouse glowing White hot ass.

Jeez Hobobob, no wonder your wife divorced you. You NEED to be homeless and living on the street. You wouldn't tell your beloved of your indiscretion? What are you, fucking out your mind? How stupid do you think I am? If I was packing up and leaving her for Tricia I MIGHT tell her, but unless this Jesus Jumping Pop-tart tells me that I can run off with her, I'm not saying shit. My wife would leave me because if I told the truth, I would have to tell the complete truth. Such as: I'm NOT fucking sorry. I'd do it again faster than look at you. And when I was fucking her I wanted you to die. So on and so forth.

Hobobob, that's a lie. You lie? I have to shake my head in disbelief over that one. How long have you been reading my blog? How long? Do you know that I have been homeless for the past five years? Two of them I was a streeter. That means that my home was a tarp in front of the Manhattan Public Library. You know, the one with the two lions? Then I lived in a homeless shelter for a year with at least 20 other men. After that, my SRO. We call people like those who live IN somewhere, SHELTS. So I'm a Shelt now.

So, let me ask you...what kind of moral standard do you think I have? Or EVER had? Honestly, I will lie to you to your face in a second if it avoided...1) Pain, 2) Abdominal distress, 3) General discomfort, 4) Embarrassment, 5) Jail, 6) Divorce, and finally 7) the loss of a job. So, the warning here is NOT TO EVER push me into a corner for the Truth. The Truth belongs to ME. I fucking decide who gets it or not. Let me repeat that...throughout history it has been proven that the truth is a malleable thing. Shaped and twisted by the one telling it. Sometimes it's even molded, almost without our conscious thought, by exaggeration. Yeah, so all of you guys telling your buddies that you have a seven inch dick, you know that I am talking about you.

Lies STOP wars. Lies keep the American public happy. Life is completely distorted by lies. Some good, some bad. There is a phrase, Little White Lie to lessen this fact. Let me tell you right here and now, there is no such thing. The Universe as we know spins on the lie. Only God tells the Ultimate Truth, Jesus too. Do you know why? Because there is fucking nothing that you can do about it. I heard Donald Trump say once that he can and does say anything he wants in the media because NO ONE can do shit to him. You can kiss his ass.

Yeah, I know what you are thinking, that I'm trying to say that the Truth belongs to the powerful. HELL fucking no. Mighty kings and monarchs of the past centuries have re-written history to reflect their greatness with lies. Battles that they had their asses handed to them, they re-told to erase all fact that they were stupid and extremely lucky motherfuckers. Politicians LIE. They'll kiss your babies and take the lollipop right out of their mouths. Remember, "No New Taxes!" Ha ha ha ha, bullshit. That was a Little White Lie. Now do you believe me? No such thing, right? We are seconds away from terrorists literally 'walking' a ten megaton nuclear weapon right into the center of your city. Do the politicians tell you this? Ask them, they'll tell you that you have been misinformed.

So, lets dispense with the total fallacy of the Truth, or the Little White Lie. What do we have after that. Simple. FUNC- TIONAL lies and DYSFUNCTIONAL lies. For those of you not in the computer business, there are Hackers. Now, there was a dichotomy in the term because at one time it meant someone doing bad things with computers, such as breaking into sensitive areas of computer networks for information. Well, that was until they started hiring these geeks in network security. So they quickly made a separate definition. They came up with Hacker and Cracker. No shit, I'm telling you the truth. One is helpful, the other criminal. The same with the Lie. It can be any of the two. Helpful or criminal, functional or dysfunctional.

I would consider lying to my wife about Tricia Helfer as an amazingly Functional lie. It keeps the illusion of my marriage together. Besides, then I don't have to split everything that I own down the middle. I'll use a Functional Lie for almost anything beneficial to me or others. What I won't do is make a Dysfunctional Lie. I love the scant few on this planet who care about me too much to be deceitful. Yeah, that's why if a chick is staring in the mirror and asks me if their ass is too big I'll tell her no. Why? I may want to fuck her when she crawls into bed and I have no desire to have some frosty chick turn her ass to me.

Okay, let's put functional and dys- functional to use. Let's say that my best friend is visiting me and he tells me that he pissed off the leader of a vicious gang just moments ago. I listen to his scary story and then there is a knock at my door. I'll tell him to hide and then answer it. Suddenly I'm staring at a battery of guns pointed at me, demanding for my friend. "Is he here?" They ask. Think about it. What the fuck do you think my answer will be? I haven't seen that guy in years. And if I believe that he is suitably hidden I'll ask them to come on in and case the joint.

Functional or Dys- functional? Hey, don't look down on me because there are several constants in this plane of existence. Light will always travel at the same speed. Gravity will always be exerted upon a celestial body. When you experience cellular death, you are really dead, and that EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY lies. Sooner or later we ALL lie. When a person tells me that they don't I laugh inside because that was a lie already. But wait. There's more. There is another breed of liars that you should know of.

There are Pathological Liars. Con men and politicians fall into this category. These people lie just to stay in practice. For no reason at all other than if they can get away with it. The thing is that they can't help it. It's a psychological disorder that takes drugs and therapy to get over. And sometimes not even that. Prostitutes also fall into this category. It's an occupational hazard...something like a politician. That's why I group them altogether. So remember this guys. After screwing a prostitute, DON'T bother believing a fucking word out of her mouth. Statements such as: "Wow, that was the biggest cock I've ever seen", or "That was the best fuck I've ever had."

Now girlfriends do the same, but I'm not grouping them with the above. The above are Dys- functional liars. They only want more money from you. Your girl is telling you Functional Lies because she doesn't want to hurt you or fuck up the relationship. Yeah, the guy that she was blowing yesterday had a dick bigger than yours, but you, being with her in a monogamous relationship, you have the biggest cock she has ever seen. Also that you are the best fuck in the world when she actually had that with a complete stranger over the previous weekend. There are more, like her age or the number of men she has slept with in totality. But I DON'T blame her. YOU backed her into a corner, motherfucker. Learn your lesson. Stop being so fucking nosy, because if she ever told you the Truth you'll be shattered. Your illusions will vaporize and you will feel pain.

Being homeless, I attempted to pass as a person in the world all the time. I dressed and spoke and washed only to give the impression that I was like the next guy. The only difference: I had my entire life in a backpack. Big fucking lie. When I wasn't showing up at work for my shift, I lied to my boss and told him that I was there. When I drank so heavily that my co-workers complained of the stench, I lied and told them that I didn't take a shower today, although I was just drinking from a bottle in my drawer just seconds ago.

So, don't ever believe that I will willing GIVE you the Truth, or if you back me in a corner you are a fool to believe that I will tell it to you. The Truth is MY possession to do with as I please. I am the ultimate decider of what is True or not, unless you can prove me wrong. Which brings me to my last point. Evading the Truth. You know what I'm talking about. The active attempt to hide the Lie. My Uncle Bud once told me, well the entire family, that if you caught him kissing a woman on the street, with his hand deep down the front of her pants, don't bother going home and telling his wife. He will flatly deny it. His solution to you, he said with a grin, go up to him and grab him, stare him in the face and take him to his wife. Unless you can do that, he will Lie. On top of that, if he jerks his way free, and outruns you, you blew it. He'll lie through closed teeth.

Fascinating idea, but a true one. You've heard it a million times. Never lie, because you'll have to tell another and another one to mask the first, and before you know it, you're caught in a web of deceit. I always wondered, why doesn't anyone ask that person, "How the fuck would you know unless you were a liar?" Again, you have to laugh your ass off, because this person has deluded themselves. Why should I take your advice if you don't know what you're talking about? "Well smarty-pants, I HAVE lied, but I learned the error of my ways and I don't do it anymore." Okay then, how do you know that that adage still holds true? Did some one tell you? Because that could have been a lie also.

Well, I call this situation a Compound Lie. I saw a cop movie recently, BODY HEAT with William Hurt, and Kathleen Turner who in 1981 would fucking burn out your corneas if you looked upon her. She would literally be the last thing you would ever see unless you took a piece of cardboard, poked a tiny hole in it, and then peered at her through it. But, continuing on. It was about a sorry assed lawyer who is asked by the wife of a wealthy man to kill her husband. Okay, I don't want to tell you too much but all the clues point to old William and he either destroys or misleads the cops one after the other. The ending, you will not believe. A very good movie, but it does show the necessity of the Compound Lie.

Yeah, lies are built on lies, but what the fuck? I see it this way. If you told one, the next one should be easier, and easier. Keep it the fuck up. Why? Because the Truth will become more and more obscure as you go on. It's like throwing a smoke grenade. As the seconds pass, the air is filled with haze and soon the inquiring mind will give the fuck up. The trick is to make the Lie as close to the truth that you can. That way you can substantiate more than you could unless you were playing Herodotus. Okay, just for those in the dark, he was a 5th century historian who went around systematically gathering so-called historical events which some were so pure fable that people believed him to be a liar. He's read largely for entertainment value today.

So, I know what you are thinking now. I'm trying to convince you that there is an entire world of fucking liars out there and that no one can be trusted. Well, let me wake you up from your delirium. YES, there is an entire world of liars out there, but they ALL do not mean you harm. We are liars because the Bible says...well if you believe in it, that NOBODY is perfect. Nobody. And we fail at this or that or fuck up this or that. We fall short all the time. Everyone is batting something like an 80% hit rate. What this means is that the 20% left, we have to explain. Of that, some 10% is an egregious fuck up because of weakness, stupidity, ignorance, lack of attention, or just plain white hot desire.

Think kids, think! Why in the world should you be called to the carpet just because you are a human being? Can you tell me why? The person asking you the questions considers themselves more perfect than you. And that's only because you have NOT caught them yet. They consider liars beneath them, that's why they feel the authority to wring it out of you. That's kind of like pedophile priests listening to confessions.

Listen my readers. No one is better than you. No one is more perfect than you. We all walk this mortal coil. If you think I'm lying, Adam and Eve were perfect and they were told that they would not die as long as they were obedient. When they lied, they died. Do you know of anyone NOT aging now? Not a day after 30. If this person is not, then they are imperfect, and logically following, they are just as much a liar as you. The Ultimate Truth then is MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS. If you don't need to know, don't fucking ask. And if you need to know...still, don't fucking ask.

Take it from me kiddies, I'm actually a fucking billionaire, living in a thirty two room mansion in Larchmont. I write this blog because I step over homeless people when I go to Le Circ in the city. Well, stepping out of my limo with Tricia Helfer on my arm. Trust me though, I tell lies. Now if THIS story is a lie, then I'm a liar, and if I tell you lies, then I'm not a liar and it's the truth. But if it's the truth, then my statement that I'm a liar is a lie. Wrap your head around that one.

Now excuse me, I'm fucking the life and death out of Tricia Helfer right now and I have to get back to work. She's still conscious.

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