Lifestyles of the Rich and Insane

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I'm sick and tired of being tired.

I can't stay awake for longer than 30 to 45 minutes. Lamictal is supposed to pick me up, to cure the depression, but instead it's like taking a tranquilizer. I keep going out like a light all day long. Who needs to sleep six and seven times a day. I hate that shit. So I started doubling up on the Wellbutrin. Yeah, morning and night I'm back on the shit.



Why? To push my poor brain back into overdrive and to leave this bullshit  sleep-aholism alone. I can't seem to do anything. I can't blog, I can't write, I can't read. I can't even digest information. All I can do is sleep and lay around in the bed. You know, like I was in the last part of 2009 and the early half of 2010. Lethargic, lazy, didn't really care about anything or anyone. Not even taking my fucking pills. Just wanting to close my eyes one night and stop breathing altogether.

I can't stand depression, and the most scariest thing about depression or general mental changes in your behavior is that you never know about it. You have no clue of this emotional change. Just like when you are angry and you blow your stack. You have no real knowledge of what you are doing at the time, or rather control. If you did, you'd stop immediately. But sometimes you just don't. You just say that wrong thing, or do the wrong thing, and when the brain clicks back to normal you feel regret over your actions, and maybe sometimes you don't. However, what if your brain doesn't click back to normal?



When you are on head meds, this normal feeling does not occur. Your actions are your actions and are completely justified. You will not accept from anyone else that they are wrong or that you are in a certain state of mind. You have to snap out of it on your own. Or trust someone enough to believe them. That's why it's vitally important to stay on your medications. It's oh so easy to sit up one day and feel great. So great and normal that you decide that you no longer need to be on your medication. You are absolutely fine as it is.



Then, you stop taking your pills and you slip into a slipping downlife. Your fall is gradual and unnoticed. You go head first into madness, AND YOU HAVE NO CLUE AS TO WHAT IS HAPPENING. Every thing seems absolutely normal to you. You can't see how bad you are, you don't even remember how bad you are. Your brain is on hiatus.



I know, I was there. I felt that my drugs were too many and that they were making me obsessive and fat. I was tired of taking them, so I stopped altogether, and my thinking, after a month, quickly became unsound. I became unreasonable and vicious. I hurt the ones that I love the most, and troubled the minds of those that trusted me. Finally Dr. A and another friend of mine convinced me that I needed to be back on the drugs.



Only getting back on my medi- cations for about a month did I see the devast- ation of what I was doing, of what I had accomplished. I was a mess and I left a trail of mayhem and destruction in my wake. I had no idea that I was as bad as I was until someone showed me text messages that I had sent. I didn't even remember them. Not a one. But there they were, clear as day. I was gone out to lunch and didn't even know it.



Now, I see early signs of sliding back into the Private Idaho that I had just escaped. There is no way that I am going back to that. No way. So before the slide becomes too pronounced, I'm hopping off of this ride and going back to being hyper 24/7. Tell me if you think I'm wrong. I don't feel like catering to the darkness within me any more, and if I means setting me up to be a burnout, then burnout here I come. I need some activity in my life. I need to move more, to get done with more and more stuff.



I can't blog my way out of this hole that I'm in. So better to work hard on other projects. Who knows? One might even pan out for the old hobo and I can start living a life worth living again. Who knows, maybe I can have that Red Head that I always dream of.

Who knows? Maybe things will work out for the better.

One never knows...do one?

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