I Can't Stand It Anymore

I think I should explain myself.

Biting the hand that feeds you. Hack sawing the legs out from under your own chair. Fucking up something that you need. Fucking with the fat lady. Making things worse for yourself. Careful you don't end up back in the streets. It's the government, you can't win.

I've heard it all. It's from people that love me, and I love them all in return, that is why I need to explain myself, just in case others of you out there love me and see me as fucking up, or see me as a fuck up.Why am I fucking around with FEGS WECARE?

Well, the function of FEGS is to provide you with job skills, to help you build a resume if you don't have one, and to find you a job that suits your skills. That is their stated function. This is what they tell HRA what they're doing. They are beholden to HRA just as much as we are, and even HRA itself is an organism solely created by the people for the people.

When you put this in its perspective it gives you a new outlook. Like it also might be the LUVOX building up in my system making me less terrified of people. Yeah, that's right, I have a terror of people and face my demons every single day, to the point that it gets the best of me over time, this stress, and so I retreat into my room, or on the streets and stay by myself. I like it by myself, away from people, live in my room. I'm terrified of being outside at times. I said it. Okay. That's why I'm so quiet when I'm with my friends, why I suck as an MC a the SHOUT OUT, and more importantly why I let people run roughshod all over me.

But the LUVOX ends that. It clears my brain, it stops the white hot terror, it makes me the calmest person I know. Well, that's it for the benefits of LUVOX, my little miracle drug. With a clearer mind I realize something. WECARE is not following their stated function. I think, if you think about it, that their conveyor belt is broken. They're supposed to take in the unemployed, train them, give them a resume and job interview skills and then match them with jobs and send them packing happily along. But the recession hit and hit hard. The jobs that they were used to putting people into dried up. The conveyor belt is backing up (The economy lost 247,000 in July, after
a 443,000 loss in June, the Labor Department said). People are going around the training program, and then sent around again and again, because they have nowhere to put the overload.

So, they have to deal with us, the overload, the backlog, and they are not happy. They proceed from the premise that it's our fault for being there, and for some it may be so. This premise though is false. They also believe that they are the ones who control our benefits. They give them to us and they can take them away. We are even beholden to them as individuals. As I was told, you have to do so and so because, "We said so." They begin to look at adults as if they are children that need to be told what to do. They are children, so they need to have paperwork from anyone if they are not in their classes. The period bell rings and we move from classroom to classroom, that's what we are supposed to do. Minors, in school.

We are spoken down to, demeaned, insulted, made to feel small, and this is not just the attitude of one person but rather it has become institutionalized into the entire fabric of the organization. This is how they treat you. You can't venture outside into the world without written confirmation as to where you've been. You can't not go in without an excuse from a doctor or parent. You are in high school, in the seventh grade, and there is no exit until you get a job. Something that they themselves can't give you. As long as this recession persists and jobs are very scarce, you are doomed to this treatment. You are going around and around in a never ending Hell.

The LUVOX cleared my mind. How about this. You buy car insurance for your car. It's new, and you live in a bad neighborhood, so you pay a pretty high premium every month for...lets just say, thirty years. You are an exceptional driver, no accidents, no bumps or dings. You go through several cars at the same insurance company. Now one day, unfortunately, you have a pretty bad fender bender. So, you logically go to your insurance company and ask for an adjuster to come an look at the damage, which was clearly not your fault. He looks at it and you and instantly tells you that you have no right to have the insurance company pay your claim. You are made to feel small because you have to ask the insurance company to pay for you damages. You are not supposed to be asking the insurance company to pay you anything because you're supposed to be driving without accident. Everybody is embarrassed for you, or looks down on you, or derides you, because you asked to have your car repaired.

Sounds familiar. Well that's what it's like being on Public Assistance. I've paid into this insurance company for over THIRTY YEARS and never once had to ask them for anything, and now that I'm down on my luck and I'm dependent on the insurance company's stated purpose, I'm supposed to feel small, or feel as if somebody is giving me a fucking handout? Nobody is GIVING me shit. I'm taking back for two or three years something that I've paid over ten times into.

These people at FEGS WECARE are under the impression that they are giving me something for free, instead of thanking me for their motherfucking jobs. It was my tax dollars that I paid faithfully for years that causes this entire organization to exist. THEY WORK FOR ME. I'm not asking anyone living for a fucking dollar. I'm asking my money back. And not all of it. Just a portion, a very small portion, because I need their help right now. When I can get a fucking job, I'll be once again paying back my share into the system. THEIR SALARIES. They need to be reminded of this.

Now I am fed up with being talked to like a little child. Told what to do by people that are old enough to be MY children. I'm through being placed in room after room to do nothing. Absolutely nothing, as if MY TIME ISN'T VALUABLE. It may not be valuable to them, but it's VERY valuable to me. It's MY motherfucking life. And how do they control you? By threatening you with your benefits. They beat you with them, dangle them before your face, pull you about by them. All the while kicking you in your ass...because YOU DESERVE THIS TREATMENT.

Day in, day out. Every day, all week long. Month after Month, you are demeaned, insulted, instructed, treated like a child, spoken to like you're an idiot, made to feel small. This beats down your self esteem, until you become an indentured servant, walking about with your back bent, your knees weak.You are a lowly slave unable to see further than the whip. "We have it good...massa only whips us three times a week."

LUVOX is funny. It wakes you up. It slaps you around until you are out of your delirium. You're sleeping, you follow behind this shit because you believe you deserve it. It's your fault you've hit upon hard times. But suddenly, the scales fell from my eyes, and I looked around and noticed how enslaved we all are, how chained together we are to the horse pulling us through the rock mines.

I HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 'NUFF!!

I stand erect and tell Massa, NO. I am a man, not a child. I am an adult, I want to be treated as one. I fight against my chains, and I find that they are easier to break than they appear. Now, these people are not used to individuals thinking on their feet. But I can do that now. I can see holes in their system. Hmmm.

Tell me, why not give them a hard time? Why not use their system against them? Why not take their penalties and fearlessly flaunt their consequences? I'm fucking with them as much as I can, until I hit their wall. How far out is their wall? How strong is that wall? How high is that wall? How difficult is the way there? Can they really stop you from finding answers to these questions? How do you answer these questions if you do not fight against them. Whatever the case. I'm done with trying to do what they say to do and being an exemplary slap-and-fetch-it (I know it's step-and-fetch-it. I like slap, because that is what they do to me).

Now you know my mental attitude. I CAN'T go on like this. It's degrading to me. In life, you ONLY ARE what you ALLOW people to TREAT you as. If someone, or some organization, treats you in a way that you don't or can't stand, treat you as small, as a child, less than a person, you have the right to fight against them. This is America, and as far as I can see, you can still protest. Hey, you may not win. Hell, you may not win in this game called life. Your decision to fight need not be based on if you will win or not. On the contrary, fight any fight, win-lose-or draw, on its principles. If you are right and just, your fight will be. People who weigh your actions later will see the reasonableness of them.

Secondly. You REALLY don't know the strength of your foe. You just might be strong enough to defeat them. You may do the impossible and bring down Goliath.

You just might bring down Golilath.

Hey...let me tell you. If you can survive homelessness, you can fight against anything.

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