Taking Nothing with Both Hands

I woke up today.

That's a good thing right? That's what people keep telling me. No red head in bikini dreams last night though. I had a dream about dogs. Dogs. Go and explain that shit. I'm still waking on an unbelievable high from doing the SHOUT OUT on my own. I can't believe that I did it. Everything else during the week will be a downer. Nothing will top it or compare with it.

I go down my row of pills, my morning ritual and fill my hand with a score of pills and throw then down my mouth all at the same time. I gulp down a glass of water to send them motherfuckers on their way. Two of my meds are empty. Time to call up for some new shit.

Sooner than I like it those fucking water pills have me running back and forth to the bathroom. As you know, it's not just that easy for me to take a piss. I have to get up and throw on my throw over, a huge T-shirt going down past my balls and grab my keys. I walk a short trip down the hall and slip into the bathroom.

I'm doing this today and I find that my door does not lock anymore when I close it. I have to slam it for the damn thing to connect. Hmmm, maybe I have to put a work order in for a locksmith. Because of this I'm standing outside longer than usual. Down the hall from me on the other side of the bathroom, one of the doors of the Crows opens and two of these birds come out of the apartment. I am forced to walk towards them to get to the bathroom. Well, what the fuck, I'm not naked, right? I'm wearing a T-shirt. But as I walk to the bathroom their eyes drop to my dick. I get to the bathroom and close the door behind me.

It's not that I haven't had women look at my tool before. It's not even that my has been visible to strange women outside of my home before. It was that it was Paula's crows. The Crows damnit. I listened as they flew off down the hall, cawing as they threw long black feathers. I look down between my legs. There's not even an outline of my tiny timmy against the T-shirt, the damn thing is so small. I wonder what was so interesting down there.

I'm sitting down behind my computer, go to the mIRC icon to get onto IRC, but XANADAU's admonition of the virus in the wild causes me to freeze. This is not good. I have nothing to do. It's too early in the morning to start blogging. I start working on my novel. The novel seems pushed and tortured. I hate when I write like this because I feel that it actually comes out in the behavior of the characters.

I go on email instead, and there is absolutely NO activity. Nothing. Nobody is talking. It's a Sunday, and everyone is probably resting, sleeping or gone somewhere. I sit and WAIT for email, but nothing appears. While waiting my head nods, my eyes cross. It's tiring waiting. I get up and crawl into bed and take a nap. I wake up past 10:00. I overslept and missed breakfast/ lunch! I should have struggled to stay awake.

Getting back behind the computer, I check for email. Nothing. I wander the web like a vagabond, going from here to there, reading web pages until my eyes cross and my head nods. It's time for another nap. I wake up hours later. That was a nap alright. That was a super nap. I check for email. Nothing. I wander the web again until MY EYES CROSS AND MY HEAD NODS. What the fuck is going on here?? I can't stay awake no matter how much sleep I get. What the? I struggle against the nap but my brain actually shuts down, not registering what I'm seeing. I hit the sack reluctantly.

I sleep until 3:30. I've slept more than half the day away. My brain has gotten way more sleep than usual...in fact, this is unusual. I check my email when I go on line...and find nothing. I need to put my clothes on and go downstairs and check my mail and get more food. Pick up my meds, and do shit like that. But I don't want to!!! I want to stay in my room and stay online. If I don't keep falling asleep. I decide to stay in. I lot of you would be suffering from cabin fever by now, but I wear cabin fever as if it was a warm, comfortable blanket.

Too comfortable. I wake up in the chair in front of the computer. I'm wondering if it's boredom or if I'm being drugged too much. I never usually have this response to my day. This is in fact, not something that has ever happened to me. It reminds me of many of the men in the men's shelter, who were drugged into complacency. I would wake in the morning and they would not. They spent their entire day in bed, only getting up to eat. I realize that I have not eaten all day, and I still am not hungry. Hmmm.

I get up, wash dishes, put on some clothes and head out to the pharmacy. I go there and run into problems as usual. I never can just walk up to the counter, get my meds and walk off. No, there is always something stupid that has to happen where I have to come back again. And you KNOW how I feel about coming back again. Fuck it people, you keep the LIPITOR. I take the most important one, ATENOLOL which is the major one that regulates my blood pressure. I don't want to fuck around with that one, because my gawddamn kidneys will pack up and leave.

I get some food. I'm learning how to get and use non- perishable foods. I can keep them indefinitely. I'm getting ready for the fireworks. I told you that they were going to come. So you have to get ready.

I'll tell you the plan in my next post.

Take care

I'm not going back to sleep....promise.

HobobobSource URL: http://idontwanttobeanythingotherthanme.blogspot.com/2009/08/taking-nothing-with-both-hands.html
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