A Foul Ball In Center Field

I wake up feeling like shit. Half of me wants to stay in bed, the other half of me wants to check my email. It's late afternoon. Yesterday I awoke at 7:30am, made a little breakfast and sat down and started firing off my morning emails. Suddenly I looked at the clock on my laptop only to find that it was 7:30 in the evening, not the morning. Wow, what a brain trip. I was expecting the sun to rise behind me any second, and instead it just stayed as dark as ever. Good thing that I found out the time or I might have thought that it was the end of the world. That or just rainy.

I should be tired right about now. Last night I stayed up late on IM with Big K and we rattled on about everything and anything. But suddenly she vanished off the screen, not to be heard from again. So I shut down my system and crawled into bed, dropping off to sleep quickly. It took no time to claim me.

I wake up to First Morning at 5:30am and get up, getting online. After booting up my system, I head for the bathroom to take my leak, then read email. The rain is falling hard outside of my window, banging on the air conditioner. There goes my walk for today. I don't even own an umbrella.

Online I find two invitations. One to an Mbiti ceremony. My brother and D2theL are regulars at these events, partaking of a drug called IBOGAINE. Basically, this one drug, a powerful soporific, cleanses you of your vices. It literally causes you to no longer need to drink, smoke, take drugs, marijuana, nothing. You are totally cured of any addiction that may ail you. Wow. I think I'll pass.

No, it's not just that I don't want to clear myself of my addictions. I like the few that I still have, and they are a few, but I don't really think that I want another drug in my blood- stream. I look behind me at the line of medicine bottles that I have to use on a daily basis and I pass playing Michael Jackson or Heath Ledger. Enough drugs is enough drugs. I shake my head on that one. I want to go and hang out with my brother and D2theL but the temptation is too great for a drug addict like me. I can't help but to join and partake, which for me, could be deadly.

The second was forwarded to me by my brother. A party at a friend's house. I am not really into a party mood this weekend. Not that anything is wrong with partying, I'm just not in the mood. Well, I'm never in the mood for parties, but you know how that goes. Like I was told by my brother, I was more outgoing when I was homeless. Well, yeah, because I was always outside. Now I'm always inside, and frankly, I'm loving it. Strange right?

After my First Morning, I get up for Second Morning and look out of the window. The rain has stopped falling. I am overjoyed. I really do want to walk today. This will make my second day on foot to 72nd street. I really want to give this fat on me a run for it's money. I think I can walk it off. I am really going to fight against this fat now. I can sit around growing more and more depressed the fatter and fatter that I get, or I can do the sensible thing and walk the shit off. This can be done. Melt it down.

This morning I do the same. I get out by 11:00am and take that damned walk to 72nd street, and do you know something. It's faster and easier. I blew it off like nothing. Although it's not like walking it in the summertime, like I could have done, it's all bundled up, women are wrapped tight in coats and jackets, jeans or woolen skirts and heavy spandex. There is nothing to see. No lively bouncing, bra-less tits. No short skirts showing off long legs. No tight pants displaying puckered cameltoes. Nothing. Ho hum. It's just a walk. Although the jeans with the nice round asses are out. That's the only consolation.

I am not hurt by this. I stride on to the Duane Reade and they've fucked up my prescription again. Stupid asses. They drive me up the wall. These poor people with their sorry assed computers in the back, can't get anything right. On top of that, their pharmacists are dunces. One day, through outright stupidity, they're going to give someone the wrong medication and these motherfuckers are going to die. I just hope that the motherfucker isn't me. I mean, I don't mind if I unwittingly take a medication that stops my heart and kills me. So what, big deal. But I my case, I'm just that unlucky that it will only blind me, or make me deaf in one ear, or cause kidney failure.

That's fucked up isn't it. Being maimed by medication. Well I take this nap when I get my tired ass home. I can barely stay awake and sleep for about twenty minutes, waking up feeling like shit. That's how the drugs have been affecting me. I sleep only about two or three hours at a clip, sometimes as short as twenty minutes. Four or five of them a day, the rest of the time I'm up looking at the walls.

This morning I awoke and my hands were like rubber, numb and I couldn't move them. How fucked up is that? Numbness in the extremities is one of the side effects so there is no need to be alarmed. It didn't freak me out. It annoyed the shit out of me. I couldn't use my hands for a good ten minutes. What kind of shit is that?

Well, now night has fallen. I have a full cupboard of food. I was getting a little sparse there. Especially with the fucking coffee. I need fucking coffee to perform. I'm not saying that my current state of Insomnia comes from coffee, because both ABILIFY and WELLBUTRIN side effects are insomnia. Chances are it's them. Gimme my mother fucking bean.

I'm up now....
I'm up now for a long time. There will be a long night ahead of me, going to bed either at midnight to wake up at three in the morning. OR STAY awake until 7:00am only to wake up again at 9:00am. Ugh.

I miserable.

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