Love is a Many Horrible Things

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Oh the fun of living in a psycho ward.

Even more fun is living next to Paula, the craziest bitch I know. She is even as crazy as those psychotic bitches in BITCH SLAP. If she was attractive, leaner, with SMALLER tits than those icebergs on her chest, she'd be right comfortable next to them riding in the same car. Paula is a non-stop roller coaster of insanity. How can I relate this to you as to not lose the flavor of her...her wonderful personality? The woman is a volatile mix of madness, insanity and downright evil.



I shit you not. I'm sitting in my room, listening to my new fucking boss ass speakers and hanging out on IRC with my friends. We're all counting down the seconds until the ball hits the 2011 numbers on top of Times Square. I got it going on. I'm watching a live video feed on the Internet, I've got SNO-PUPPY DeeJay-ing in the IRC channel. Her party music blasting out of my my new bad assed speakers, and I'm typing to all of my friends on IRC, bullshitting about what it's going to be like in a few minutes.



It was weird though. There were a lot of us in the Chat Room, otherwise known as a Channel, and some of us were in the Central time zone, others in the Pacific. So we had to celebrate the New Year in stages. It's weird, but do-able for a first timer like me. There were those that were old hands at it. This was my first New Year's celebration with the gang in the UNDERNET, so it was an experience.



When Midnight had hit, I could hear fireworks outside of my window, and police sirens and horns beeping. In the hall, of course, the crows had to all come out, screaming HAPPY NEW YEARS! Why not? I mean, they fucking use the hallway as their damn living room anyway, why not walk up and down shouting like damn fools? I guess EVERYONE is up at midnight, celebrating and you won't wake them up now would you, you self-centered, selfish fucks?



And who was the biggest fool of them all? Paula. She opens her door, wishing everyone a happy New Years, talks for a few moments, then closes her door. Everything settles down and ten minutes later, I hear this idiot screaming at the top of her lungs through her door for someone to get out. Whoever it is, they leave, and she's calling them all kinds of names. "Fucking Bitch", "Mother fucker", and my personal favorite, "I hate your fucking guts." I listen to her lose it, RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY DOOR. This psychotic still does not understand that her and her antics are RIGHT ACROSS FROM MY FUCKING DOOR!



I swear, one day I'm going to fill a coffee pot with salt, bleach, rubbing alcohol, gasoline, and urine, boil it in my microwave, and when she's outside her door screaming, open my door and toss that Hellified Hurt right in her fucking gaping face! That will end her reign  of terror forever. It will also land me in prison for assault with a deadly weapon. I don't think I would like that very well. I'll just wear my headsets for now.



Then, everything goes silent for another ten minutes until someone is outside her door, banging against it, shouting to be let in. Her door opens and closes, the person outside is now inside. A half an hour later Paula is screaming at the top of her lungs once more. She snatches open her door and screams into the hallway, because I guess at One in the morning  and we all need to know that she has an uninvited guest in her room. The person, a male's voice, calls her all kinds of Bitches, Cunts and Whores, which she is in fact. He leaves and she slams the door so hard that it causes my balls to clink together like click-clacks. Fuck! I roll over in my bed, I can't sleep much as it is, and when I almost can, I can't because of this psycho ball of yarn.



Well, the sun comes up. I take a nap, then get back to writing. She is in her apartment, yelling and screaming. No doubt on the phone. Then there is a banging on her door. She opens it, there is a tussle. Then a scream. Doors open in the hall. She's calling for help. I am dancing in my room, hoping that she is seriously being injured or possibly fatally would be even better!



OH FUCK HOBOBOB, what a fucked up thing to say! I know, I know! It is, but PLEASE let it happen! Of course it will not, because LIFE HATES ME. She is just searching for attention from everyone on the floor, who responds to her shouting for help. What was the danger? Her boyfriend was trying to steal away with her coat. The people in the hall come out, the two of them stop doing whatever it was they were doing. Most likely playing tug of war with the damn thing, and then the neighbors bark at them to keep the noise down, and that it was Three O'clock in the morning.



So, here I am, sitting in front of my computer. Everything is quiet now until there is banging on her door again. The door opens, the door closes and then silence. I look at the clock. 4:12am. I give it 15minutes. Yep, 4:30 she starts screaming, opening her door, bellowing into the hall for this "Drunk mother fucker to get out." He leaves, calling her a 'Crack smoking Whore." I knew that something explained her odd behavior. She was a pipe queen. The only problem is that she is as big as two people, or one of me. Shouldn't crack make you as skinny as a rail, or is that just television?



5:20am, the cops arrive. She tells them that she wants her boyfriend arrested. He pulled out a clump of her hair while exiting. The cops leave, then come back,  informing her that he has been arrested but that she has to come down with them to the station house to file charges. She says she'll be down later.

I shake my head. Hopefully this will be the end of it.



HAPPY NEW YEARS.

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