I spent today burned like a match head.
Early in the morning I went up and got my roscoe and slipped into the far Northeastern bathroom. The one with the large window. I sat on the sill, packed a hitter and proceeded to blast my brains out. I couldn't even make it back into the room without some difficulty. From there, I jumped online and stared at amazement at everything that I could run into. Nothing actually made much sense, not even porn. I didn't know what I was fucking looking at.
I listened super-closely to music, and the air conditioner, which, honestly was starting to sound like the Internet radio. I mean, all this shit was beginning to sound the same in the entire room. Shit, everything began bending, almost like palms in the wind. I spent my time on IM with friends and had no clue what the fuck it was I was doing, and wrote an email that took almost forever and I still didn't send it.
Time turned into a huge smudge and I hopped on a big slide, shooting down a long tunnel or a kid's slide. I was going topsy turvy, head over heels like a ball rolling downhill. Night pounced on me and the next day struck like lightning. I awoke staring up at the ceiling, feeling cheated out of a day. A day that vanished like mist. Sundays just do not exist.
Now I stare up at the ceiling with a tremendous weight resting on my chest, refusing to allow me to rise and face the new day. It was early in the morning, very early, and I had time to get up, get that shower and get ready, but there was a level of unreality to my day. It seemed that I had another life, and was temporarily in this one. It was a peculiar feeling. But still, something in me would not allow me to rise. The truth of the matter is that I did not want to deal with my WEP Assignment. This was no doubt given to me to punish. It has absolutely nothing to do with bettering my resume. It's for people with NO resume. I'm just a name pushed around with a stack of other papers. This is no doubt the reason for this.
I am tired of it, and would rather not be bothered. I need to change my WEP Assignment imme- diately. I'm sick of it already. One day there and I can tell that this is not for me. I went down for breakfast and came up with an idea. I thought, well, I have an excuse for Wednesday of last week, but because I didn't get it in on time, it's void. So instead of wasting my 'day' by wasting my excuse, I'll use the excuse for today, which now changes it from void to valid, and take last Wednesday as an FTC anyway.
Paperwork, don't you love it? FEGS will make certain that you are buried in tons of it because of their senseless rules. They love paperwork, generating it as well as having it generated for them. I am so fucked up that I have a lot for them too. That's one reason why I think that I should take their asses to FAIR HEARING, to reverse their decision of dropping my sorry ass into FEGS in the first place.
FEGS' only existence is predicated upon booting you from your benefits. Lets face it...either FAIR HEARING sees it my way or it's the highway. I can understand that. I was once a 'homeless poet' which made me interesting. Now that I'm an SRO resident, struggling with the system, trying to get into the working world on one hand, trying to work on my writing on the other, I am less so. Therefore I apologize for all of my yapping, this blog is how I deal with my predicament, or predicaments.
I am down in the dumps. So what do I do on THIS day? I first reschedule my phychiatrist's appointment for tomorrow, then drop off my prescriptions at the nearest Duane Reade, sneak over to the liquor store, buying a quart of Cabernet Sauvignon and running that shit upstairs. Just before I drink, I zap the skull with my roscoe and step into planet LR7. Music sounds differently, colors look differently, things are smoothly making sense. I am studying the intricate things of life, my love life, my home life, my sex life, my food life, my mind life, my life. I speak to myself until I find myself boring company within five minutes. I wonder if everyone feels the same.
The sun had set on me figuring out why my arms are not like a seal's flippers. I'm happy that they are not.
I wake up face down on my bed. It's 2:00am. I am drooling onto my pillow. I know what that is from. The ABILIFY and the alcohol. I get up. I have my WEP assignment this morning, and I just don't feel like going to it. I would rather be set afire and given a napalm cocktail. I get behind my computer, still feeling the effects of the alcohol and seriously contemplate going to this crazy assed church, WEP Assignment.
I seriously consider it.
This is fucking the edge of true madness!
HobobobSource URL: http://idontwanttobeanythingotherthanme.blogspot.com/2009/07/at-mouth-of-madness.html
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