Speed Bumps Are Human Too

Have you noticed.

That some people in New York are simply walking speed bumps. They are usually tottering through the city like Skeks, like flotsam in the ocean. Some of these people I would just like to come up behind them and slap the across the head.

I wonder if in life, these people are the same. Victims.

Oh, don't think that life does not have it's victims. Sometimes I believe myself one. Or that I have been one. I feel like life slapped me across the back of the head, sending me down to the sidewalk. I just would like to return the fucking favor. And, may I ask, how was life on the sidewalk? It sucked. It really did.

I think about my good fortune though. Which is why I think my life is being compelled to move upwards. Upwards and ever onward. I don't know what caused me to listen to Dr. A to call the shelter, or what possessed me to climb into their van, other than a respite from the bitter cold. I can't tell you what forces made me stay in the Box of Nuts, that fucking shelter, for over a year. It certainly wasn't the cold outside. I don't know what it was that had me moved into this excellent SRO...okay, so sometimes it's hot in this little box, but it's home. It's a roof over my head and a locked door. This has taken me so long to get used to. A locked door. Some place that I can lock out the Skeksies, the noise, the human traffic of the city, and just Manhattan as a whole.

I think of my brother, still out there, fighting the rigors of privations, a daily struggle to survive, and I'm just worried about my medications.

My medi- cations. Uggh. It seems that straight medicaid will be denied me because I live in an SRO now. So I'll have to pick an HMO. In fact if I don't pick by the deadline, they'll pick it for me, and guess what? I've passed the deadline. Oh goody. And I'm sure that the plan that they'll pick will have nothing to do with covering my medications. Tomorrow I am like a primed and ready to spring like a coiled snake, in that I'm going to straighten this shit out totally. I had asked for an extension of medicaid benefits form before, but when I got it in the mail the extension is only for those homeless in shelters. I understand that, but just because I'm in an SRO doesn't mean that I can afford my medications.

Well, I'm like a million other Americans then, who go without their medications because they can't afford them. That is what President Obama is trying to address. I'll just sit my ass down in the line with the rest of them and join the motherfucking crowd. I knew that as I moved up in the social ladder, sucking on the tit would end. Well, that's that. I'll find a job soon and that'll be the end of the social order. No more Roach Motel, no more churning air. No more urchins, no more bag lunch. And hopefully this new job will cover my medical expenses. Because I have a boatload of them.

Am I worried or concerned? Not at all, and I'm in amazement. I am in complete and utter amazement. Not catastrophizing at all. The LUVOX is probably doing it's job because I don't really care either way what happens to my medical coverage, I just know that I'll take care of it when the time comes. I am as cool as a cucumber. Like I said, over this past week, since the 4th, I've felt invincible. Maybe it's the LUVOX taking effect. Maybe I'm lifted by my weekend, and the LUVOX is making me stay lifted. I am happy and content.

I have a lot of things trying to converge against me in the coming few days, and yet, I face them without worry, without undue concern. This is good...this is great! For the first time ever, I am without worry. I just make my decisions and do what I must. Whatever happens, happens. There is no need to worry over such things. Worry serves no purpose what so ever. God, it's strange that it takes a pill to get me to realize this. Either a pill or a heavy dose of alcohol. It is what it is.

That's why I need my medication. That's why I have to be off the streets. That's why I can't become a victim again. I cannot afford being slapped in the back of my head and sent down to become a human speed bump. Not again. From where I'm at, I'll take whatever changes occur and roll with the punches as I always do. And this week there will be a lot of them. I feel them coming on like a bad cold.

I'll be ready though. My new outlook on life is encouraging to me.

I feel Invincible: incapable of being conquered, defeated, or subdued.

Yeah.

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