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I really didn't feel like going to therapy today. In fact, I haven't been too keen on going to Tuesday therapy for some time now. It's actually too stressful for me. Tuesdays is a different type of animal. I'm really not too keen on it. I'm actually pondering dropping it as a program and stick with my other two therapists.
Three may be too much to deal with anyway.
I work on nothing today. I can come up with nothing. I am sitting on a fence so to speak with a fence post stuck up my ass. I'm bored, tired and frustrated. I'm all of these things. And I'll be damned if I can shake this general malaise that I feel. I need to get busy and do some laundry, and take a shower. That's what I need to do. But instead, I lounge around in the library, nodding in sleep, struggling to stay awake.To keep awake, I play 2142 and do pretty well. I'm on cruise control with it, taking my time though to my next rank. I have a long way to go before my next promotion so I'm taking my time to play the best series of games that I can to reach my desired goal.
But to many of you, that's trivial. Electra tells me to turn down the sound in my headsets and it wakes me from my reverie. I sit back and notice, as if for the first time, that I'm sitting in the library. I'm tired of sitting in the library, the walls start to close in, the air gets tight and suffocating. I have to leave. I pack it all in, my baby and all her stuff, and head out to the nearest Duane Reade for Slim Jims. Then I find a chair in Madison Starbucks and get online before OBSIDIAN arrives and finds a table near the wall.
Now maybe I never told you about the importance of the wall in Starbucks. You see, without the wall, this Starbucks would be useless. Completely so. Because although this Starbucks serves coffees and lattes and Chai Caramel Macchiato Vente double whipped soy, it's most favorable aspect are the series of electrical sockets against the wall. The wall, where there are only a handful of tables. And on a good day, they are all taken by people with laptops, myself included. There are another three tables scattered about, but the bulk of them, the three against the wall, plus two more at the window are the most desirous of them all.
Then there are the ones in 'strategic position' otherwise known as 'pole positions' which are in the best place to make your move if you want to be first at one of these five tables should their occupants rise to leave. It's one of these pole positions that OBSIDIAN finds first. Then, after just a few minutes of sitting there, we get a wall seat. It is funny, because it's the center table, with people on both sides of us. And we squeeze into the seats nearly up against the table. It's almost comical as the table is against our stomachs. Shortly the woman behind OBSIDIAN moves her chair around their table to stare into a laptop on the other side, affording him plenty of room. Whereas I had to sit cramped, because the couple behind me have no intention of leaving this millennium.
I blog, because it's the only thing that I can do. I don't feel like writing right now. I don't feel like doing too much of anything. I'm just beat. Tired. But not physically so, more mentally, like my will has been tapped and is weighing on me. If survival was a weight, mine is getting too heavy to carry.Further, my bunion is beginning to kill me. It's starting to feel like a growing pain. Getting more and more pronounced as I use my feet. Soon, it will reach a point that even Advil won't make it feel much better, and I'll be laid up with my foot in the air. One day, when I can afford it, I'm getting foot surgery, plain and simple. Get this taken care of once and for all. It must have come about by my carrying this weight on my back for all this time.
That's some bullshit.
I'm being tortured by my body, by my circum- stances, for being homeless. But one day, this all will turn around This is only a temporary weigh station for me in life. I'm actually enjoying the ride right now. One day I'll be in a better position, I know it will.I head to the Box and call it a night.
HobobobSource URL: http://idontwanttobeanythingotherthanme.blogspot.com/2008/10/gracious-day-in-hell.html
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