The fire alarm is going off.
Again.
The Skeks and Paula in the hallway are having a fit. They're running around back and forth smelling smoke. I ignore it and them. Fucking morons. I continue to sit online in my underwear....
That's until I hear the fire engines. That's right. It's a real fire for a change. I hear voices out the window. Other than the harpy one floor under me still shouting at her husband, are the sounds or police radios, heavily booted men, people chattering. There's a real fire in the building. I step away from the window and put on my pants and a pullover. Should I break down my baby and pack up my gear just in case the firemen start going through the building, floor by floor, banging on the doors, ordering people to leave?
Naaaahhh. Fucking Skeks are probably burning their underwear, lit up their stupid assed hair, or saw a fire on television and punched the fire alarm. Although there IS the smell of smoke in the air, although faint. I strip down to my drawers again and get online. Shit, I'll crawl into bed soon and call it a night. They've got ten minutes to bang on my door.
And that's generally how I've been all day. Battling a really rugged malaise. I fell asleep earlier, seeking to escape my dreary thoughts in dreams. But they, as much as I can remember them, were dreary too. I woke up, not as tired as when I went to sleep. My energy had returned if not my mood.
Deep, stirring thoughts, moving sluggishly, as if hip deep in mud, struggling against a backward pull into a depression. Morose feelings, everything looking charcoal brown and drab. I go on 2142. Nothing like kicking kids asses to bring back some good feelings. But I'm way off my game. I'm getting slaughtered, which is making me even more depressed and pissed off on top of that. Shit. I'm not in the mood for my most favorite treat: 2142.
I write my screenplay, well edit it to be more precise. I'm reading it and it reads pretty damn good if I should say so myself. I'm really getting into it. It takes my mind off of my plummeting thoughts. But everyone, everybody gets down in the dumps sometimes. I need some real good news to cheer me up. I need to hear something that would make me beam from ear to ear, but for the life of me I don't know what that would be. What would make me happy all of a sudden?
That's a funny question. Have you ever asked yourself that question and had a legitimate answer for it? What would make you earnestly happy all of a sudden? Your favorite sports team win a final? Your baby getting up on two legs and taking its first steps? A naked spouse or significant other waiting for you in the bedroom? What would do it for you? For the life of me I can't answer that question when I'm feeling like this. I'm at a loss.
Good news is always good. And sharing in the good news of others works for me too. But is there good news to go around? The world climate is so dismal, the country is in the dumps, joblessness is on the rise, people are being forced out of the workforce in record numbers, suicides are up, birth rates are down, the tropical rainforests are shrinking, the polar ice caps are melting, greenhouse emissions are causing global warming, the MTA is proposing rate hikes....
What am I getting at here. Where the fuck is the good news? Where is it? I don't know.
Where is the good, happyfying news? I don't know kiddies.
I have the GREEN PAVILLION interview tomorrow. I have to head back into Brooklyn and interview another host of a poetry reading, Evie. I wonder if the online magazine is ever coming back and if they'll keep approving of my poetry series. If they ever stop it, what the fuck am I going to do then? I'll have to come up with more stories from somewhere. But where? I"ll have to start whipping stories out of my ass, like toilet tissue. That's not going to be easy or fun.
I keep my eye open when I'm walking around, and I have my camera and recorder on me for any eventuality. Just in case a great story pops up and I can jump on it without hesitation. I was even thinking of Craigslist to find anything new and interesting coming up in the city. I still might start doing that. I can't continue to ride the gravy train that I'm on.
And that just makes me more despondent. Fuck. Why can't I shake this!! Well, sometimes the best way around something is through it. So I better grin and bear it. This too will pass. Probably tomorrow when I take another hit of WELLBUTRIN. Who needs genuine emotions when pharmacological solutions are so readily available.
Maybe that's the good news. Having the drugs available to treat bad moods.
I'm feeling better already.
HobobobSource URL: http://idontwanttobeanythingotherthanme.blogspot.com/2009/01/don-worry-be-moody.html
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